The sadness you felt
by Lucy Light
Summary: How often is it we find that we truly never knew someone who was once a big part of our life? Sirius/OC Rated for language and implications.Nothing too explicit. Oneshot.


"Hi…", that was all that could creep from my lips as the grey mist which was Sirius Black's eyes pierced through mine, as I lay on the ground awaiting an unavoidable death.

"I didn't think you'd be here tonight, Bryony", he answered in a low voice, which held an entire ocean of pure disgust, but as well something I chose to decipher as pity and even a tiny hint of fancy… after all these years and all I've done, I was surprised to find myself wishing he still fancied me a little. I also knew that had it not been for the knowledge that these would be my last few minutes of life, Sirius' foot pressing down on my throat and his wand pointed at an invisible spot right between my eyes served as a reminder of that, I would have ignored those feelings and brushed them of as easily as you brush dust of a shelf.

"Why?", I replied, my voice low and raspy, his foot was pressing down even harder, but sometimes it let go; giving me just a few moments to fill my lungs before it pressed hard again. I assumed, while looking straight into his eyes, that the years at Hogwarts as well as the years after were replaying in his mind over and over again, as they were to me. As his foot loosened again I wondered whether he was thinking about the night in the prefects bathroom.

A warm feeling spread through my body as the thought of his wet, muscular physique pressed against my hard nipples, the rosy smell of the scented foam surrounding us in the giant bathtub, the kiss that seemed to last forever, came to mind. Suddenly the weight that was pressing on my throat hardened again and I was brought back to reality, a loud moan of pain escaping my lips. His eyes were hard and I knew a horrible memory of me had flooded back into his mind.

"You think this pain is bad?", he hissed and pushed down a bit harder, still careful not to press too hard. "Try thinking about what I went through you miserable cunt!"

For some reason I still felt the need to defend myself.

"You really think you're the bigger person huh? I may not have made my choices based on what others might think, what they might feel. But at least I stood for what I believed in…"

"Hah! You were a coward Bryony Cole. You always have been" He spit in my face. My hand twitched. I knew it was a common reflex by now. After getting used to so many people spitting on you over the years you usually raise your hand to swiftly wipe it of, but as I lay in my immobile position, I had no choice but to simply feel it run down my forehead and into my ear.

Then it got quiet as Sirius waited for me to retort. I didn't. I lay still.

"Do you…" I whispered after a brief moment. The pressure increased and he stared down at me with angry eyes. Though wishing me to speak, he still seemed to think there was no defence I could give to make up for my doings. "Do you ever wonder…if maybe…I did love you" my voice was strained and tired. As was my body. If these were my last moments then I should at least spend the remainder of whatever energy I had left saying things that meant something. All attempts at fighting would be futile and demand too much effort.

His eyes softened for a moment. A swift surprise was shown in his face. Then his eyes hardened again.

"A person like you is unable to love", now his foot was nearly choking me.

"I…was…scared"

"I know"

"But you don't…know…all…"

"You joined the death eaters because you were terrified of your own family" he shook his head "to think I once thought you and I were alike".

I knew what he meant. The two black sheep of their pureblood families; who had been placed in Gryffindor whilst the rest of their kind was placed in Slytherin. But what Sirius hadn't known was that like the rest of my family I had always planned to become a death eater. But unlike the rest of them, I actually sought out to be one. The rest were too lazy to actually put real effort into their…well…efforts.

But when finally my chance had come I'd never told Sirius my reasons for joining had nothing to do with Voldemort. In fact my views on him were kind of indifferent. But how do you truly explain to someone that you feel nothing. That it feels like your whole inside is made up of complete nothingness. I joined the death eaters because I knew that that would be a good enough chance at feeling something. Something I hadn't felt since Hogwarts. Then, with Sirius, I had learned that I did in fact have feelings just like everybody else. I just had a hard time finding them.

And as I got older the ones I'd had earlier had started to fade. And whatever I'd felt for Sirius couldn't satisfy my need to feel, anymore. I needed something greater. Something to liven up my insides. I needed fear, I needed pain, I needed love. So I betrayed our old friends, I betrayed the Order, and I betrayed him. Some of our friends died because of me. If I was him I wouldn't forgive me either. But I wanted him to know. I wanted him to know the impact he had had on my life. Though it was too late to explain it in a sensible way now.

"Sirius…" I whispered. He raised his eyebrows. "You were…the only one…who mad me feel…anything" and to my own astonishment I could feel a tear run down my cheek. It ran sideways and blended with the spit from earlier.

"_What?"_, he mumbled, more to himself than me.

"There is no…point", I said the words slowly, with whatever breath I had left. "kill me…kill me now"

He froze.

"I deserve it…", it came out as a whimper. The grip of his wand hardened and he pointed it steadily at me. For a moment it looked like he was about to say something.

"Cru…". he started. But then changed his mind "Avad…Avada Kedavra", a green light hit my face and finally I was released from the struggle of having to try and feel. I knew that Sirius had had the intention of torturing and then killing me; as I had done to our friends. But at the last moment he had showed me mercy.

I don't think that I was ever truly in love with him, but the last second of my life I had time to realize that he had been in love with me; and that I had broken his heart.


End file.
